The O’Neils Take Care of a Raider

Without landing a punch

Lyle Alzado

It was Besties (famous soccer star George Best’s bar) in Hermosa Beach, California This was home turf to 40 obnoxious morons from Danver’s, Massachusetts, who played softball for Besties through the ‘80s and spent many a night in there with good intellectual conversations. One night a portion of the gang was leaning against the bar, and in walks Lyle Alzado from the Traiders (a nickname bestowed on the NFL team because they moved from Oakland to L.A. and back). The bathroom was right next to the entrance and the gang noticed him walk straight in to the facility. Immediately Bo followed him. After about 15 seconds we hear smash!! Crash!!! KaPow! Slam! Pow! The battle continues for about 15- 20 seconds then Bo comes walking out like he just kicked Lyle’s ass!! Bo exclaims, “That’ll teach ‘im. “He messed with the wrong guy.” Thirty seconds later Lyle comes out looking around bewildered and muttering, “What was that all about?” Turned out that he was in one of the stalls when Bo had a solo free-for-all in there. What a stankin’ riot!! They talked with Lyle for a bit explaining what had happened in the rest room. Lyle found it extremely amusing. Dukey had met him before a couple times when the big guy was giving attention to Robin, Dukey’s old squeeze when she was a waitress in Manhattan Beach. About 45 minutes later Alzado was leaving engrossed in a conversation with a friend and not looking where he was walking. Bobby O’Neil, Bo’s brother, rather good-sized himself, as he was walking in the opposite direction, grabbed the inattentive football monster by his arm and pulled him down preventing Lyle’s head from smashing into a low door header that separated two areas of the bar. Lyle was startled until Bobby pointed at the low clearance. Lyle grunted, nodded, and closed another chapter at Besties. Must Have Been a Great Time If Fun Is Measured in Damages Thirteen of the green gang packed up in L.A. and flew to see Marla, a client of Dukey’s, and her Bostonian gang with Celtic tickets in hand. Buck disappeared during the halftime turmoil, and no one saw him or thought about him as the game marched through the third and fourth quarters. Losing one of their associates was not unusual in their chaotic relationships. Great game headed to the closing seconds. Larry Bird hit an insane shot — the game winner — at the buzzer. “Hey, we won! Larry did it again! And there’s Buck!” “Hey, Buck!. HEY, BUCK!” Buck was on the floor with his arms clasped around Bird. [CLICK] “Way to go, Buck! Way to go, Larry!” The Celtics outshined the Phoenix Suns. It was the beginning of a long night. Eventually they found Buck roaming the parking lot looking for the rest of the green gang. They piled into a few cars and headed to celebrate in a newly built house occupied by Donna, a friend of Marla. As the Celtic fanatics settled in, Fatty put Buck’s sneakers in the oven at 350 degrees. The placed smelled new until burning rubber removed the air of all freshness.

“What’s that?”

“Smells like Buck took off his shoes.”

“Hey, there’s smoke coming from the stove.”

“Somebody get that oven!” JoeyG dived across the table splintering the legs. [YOU

HAD “HIS USUAL DIVE.” HE ROUTINELY DIVED ACROSS TABLES? OR IS THERE SOMETHING I’M MISSING?] Too late! Smoke poured out as he opened the oven door. Someone held the door as others grabbed the stinking, smoking, smoldering, well-roasted shoes along with the remains of the table and threw the mess over the back fence. WHAT WENT OVER THE FENCE? SHOES? TABLE? BOTH? As a crowning act of stupidity, someone surfed on the ironing board smashed it into pieces. The wrecking crew ended up paying for everything after they got back to L.A. and Marla continued to do biz with Dukey for years. They are still good friends! The next morning [IN BOSTON? IF SO I’D PUT THE MENTION OF L.A. AFTER THIS] they went to some bar — nobody knows where —and Fatty ordered Bloody’s for everybody when Dicky went to the bathroom. After putting an almost a full bottle of Tobasco in Dicky’s drink Fatty ordered everybody to guzzle. Of course, Dicky’s didn’t stay down. When Fatty noticed Jimmy Coolaide’s face was nowhere around after a few, Dukey found him in the van outside. Fatty went over and saw Jimmy passed out and proceeded to put a Fatty finger down his own throat — sometimes enjoyed doing that — and threw up on Coolaide’s shirt. When he finally woke, he thought it was his own puke. Pretty sick stuff — even for idiots. Yuk! Yuk! Yuk! Another time about twenty of the green gang? 20 FROM BOSTON OR 10 AND 10 FROM NY? rented a house up at Arrowhead. WHICH ARROWHEAD? It was the usual suspects, Boston and New Yorkers about even in numbers. JoeyG said he was on the wagon and was acting like it but little did the others know he was sneaking around drinking everything in sight. All was calm looking down the hill near the Lake and there were empty bottles all over the kitchen table.

Four Idiots from Bean Town

Snag a Bucket Fish

Bo had to rank first among the four idiots from Bean Town. He was easily the loudest, and in a four-vote election, the other three would also vote him “Most Obnoxious.” The group went deep sea fishing about 4-6 hours from Maui. They were on their back from a fishing flop and were looking for something to do. Bo passed out below from too much the night before leaving the others to tend to his line. Not wanting their friend to leave without a big catch, they hooked up a bucket to his line even though Bo warned everyone not to touch it. With the boat moving slowly Bo’s on-deck friends hollered “Line four! LINE FOUR! Bo, get up here! You’ve got a big one!” The summons aroused the loud, obnoxious, hung-over idiot, and he scrambled to the deck with his cross-eyed hair. He knew immediately there was something big on his line. “I got it! I got it!” The others watched with intense interest as Bo wrestled with his imaginary record-breaking Marlin for forty-five minutes. [CLICK] The captain kept swerving the boat so the line jerked hard. Bo put on a textbook show: Here’s how you land ... a bucket. He actually rewarded his idiot pals with as middle finger showing that they were his number one. Maybe that’s how you land a bucket!!