I’m Spartacus
Kirk Douglas and Jack Nicholson
Two cars loaded with moronic Celtic fans park in the VIP area outside the Forum Club for another Celtic-Laker showdown. [CLICK HERE] They had great seats because they were all season ticket holders compliments of Duke’s employer, West Coast Engineering. A Rolls Royce backs into the spot next to Bo Daddy’s Beamer. Duke was on the other side of the Beamer driving a 1971 Ford Torino convertible with the top down. The back door on the driver’s side of the Rolls opens and the door gently taps against the side of Bo’s car.
“Watch the F-expletive car A-hole!” Suddenly a head peaks over the open door of the Rolls. It’s Kirk Douglas! “Spartacus” or “Spa-a-artacus” as Bostonians would put it. Kirk Douglas smiled, amused to meet new “quiet” friends. They talked with him for a while in the parking lot, gave him hugs and fives even if he was a Laker fan. Thirty minutes later they’re singing the national anthem. And the rockets red glare, The bombs bursting in air, Gave proof through the night. ... “I’m Spartacus,” Bo yells.
Dukey chimes in, “No, I’m Spartacus.”
The others join the chorus, “No, I’m Spartacus.”
“No, I’m Spartacus.”
“No, I’m Spartacus.”
At halftime Crash Kelly, Bo and partner moron Dukey make it down to courtside where Kirk is sitting with the always sardonic Jack Nicholson. Dukey taps Kirk on the shoulder and says, “We have some great pictures of you out front with the boys.” Kirk stands and says “You guys are out of your minds.” Jack in turn smirks and points to the obvious, “Kirk has been in a lot of great pictures.” Dukey was tempted to put a fist in the smart aleck’s face, but, instead says, “Shut the F-expletive up, Jack.” “Who’s talking to you.” Bostonians were not fond of Nicholson in the Celtic-Laker heydays. Jack flinched and replied, “Excuse Me?” It was not their first nor last encounter.
The morons hug Kirk and continue their journey around the courtside floor to meet the one-and-only Walter Matthau who is talking with someone while standing courtside. Dukey butts in and introduces himself, but his loyalty appeared misplaced with his green paint, green Lifesavers stuck on his cheeks, and green leprechaun hanging from his green tie. [CLICK HERE] Walter says, “You are kind of rude, buddy. Aren’t you?”
“WALTER! How many chances does a moronic fan or an idiot like me have to hang
around with you?”
“You have a point there, kid!”We chatted for a minute and went back to our seats, so people could throw stuff at us until the game ended.
Dukey was holding a beer at the final buzzer. Celtics win by a narrow margin. A hefty Laker fan promptly turned around and dropped a handful of coins from his pocket into Dukey’s beer and turned back to the court. Dukey responded, “You bought it, you own it,” and poured it over the contributor’s head. The Laker fan turned around poised to swing, but Bulb intervened [CLICK HERE] with a quick jab staggering the disappointed Laker fan and defusing the threat. Almost. The man’s companion — could have been his son — stepped in. Bulb punched harder this time leaving another fan woozy. Ushers rushed up the steps to the scene. The explanation was easy. “He threw coins in my beer.” The ushers tended to the fallen while the Celtics celebrants moved down the steps. Of course, they all had postgame passes to the Forum Club where absolutely everybody loved them and they could continue the usual festivities. Lots of famous people like the Celtic morons were usually there after the game. On this occasion they even greeted Mohammed Ali. Dukey commented, “The last time I saw you, you were dancing with Larry Holmes.” They shook hands and Ali smiled as Dukey’s hand was swallowed by the boxer’s. Bulb kept his jabs to himself. [CLICK HERE]