The Stupid Bowl

Super 1983

Ya gotta enliven a Super Bowl tagged on the end of a miserable strike-shortenedNFL season, and the Boston Idiot gave it his best.

The game held promise. Washington quarterback, Joe Theisman was the top-rated player in the National Conference, His offensive line was known as The Hogs and bull-dosed opposing defenders for The Diesel, John Riggins, the starrunning back who followed in the ruts the Hogs left behind. Mark Moseleyemerged as NFL’s Most Valuable Player, the first place kicker to gain the recognition.The Dolphins' hopes rested on their defense, nicknamed the "Killer Bees" because six of their eleven starters had last names that began with the letter "B". The defense, led by tackle Bob Baumhower, led the league in fewest total yards allowed and fewest passing yards allowed. The Dolphins were favored. The Boston Idiot was seven rows up in the north end zone and was poised for a halftime act that observers would remember. He’s teamed with Ty, Buck, Crash Kelly, and two large Tangueray, a gin import, and tonics. As expected, the Dolphins led at the break, 17-10. The halftime show featured a large sheet spread over the field held by young beauties. It might have been a flag or giant logo for Coors beer, but the Idiot didn’t know and didn’t care. He watched closely as two guards moved toward each other in the walkway bordering the field. The guards met and each continued on so their backs were to the perp in the seventh row. He knew an opening when he saw it as they continued their patrol. Like a star running back or maybe more like a moron, the dope — with drinks in hand — scurried the short distance and glided over the field’s four-foot wall behind the end zone and plunged forward under the massive sheet. Those who saw him dive into the opening must have been fascinated as the Idiot continued in bent-over fashion. Nobody could see the fool underneath the sheet but some surely saw the bump in the sheet do a sideline run progressing to the fifty-yard line. He emerged at the Redskins’ sideline and seated himself on the back of the players’ bench with his feet planted on the seat itself congratulating himself on his dubious journey. He even held onto his drinks. Heroes don’t fumble. He was Steve McQueen in The Great Escape and took a much-deserved, extra-large booster of Tangueray. The sheet covering the field was rolled up. The players returned from the locker room, and running back Riggins sat next to the idiot’s feet. And just beyond The Diesel was Monty Coleman, a hulk of a middle linebacker. Good players tend to ignore idiots, but the Idiot did strike up a conversation with a TV cameraman behind the bench. He was trailing cable as he rolled down the sideline following the second-half kickoff.

The Idiot enjoyed his second half view until midway through the third quarter. A burly boy in blue abruptly grabbed the jerk’s drink – or what’s left of his second 16-ouncer – and tossed it. He proceeded to roughly escort the Idiot from the playing field, pushing him onto the steps leading to the seats on the fifty-yard line. The wobbly Idiot staggered his way up about 10 rows and found an empty seat. Unbelievably no one ever came back to claim it, so he had an excellent view of the remainder of the game. Riggins led the Redskins to a comeback 27-17 win. He was named the 1983 Super Bowl MVP and finished the game with two Super Bowl records, 166 yards rushing and 38 rushing attempts. Not bad for a 33-year-old approaching the end of his career. He was also the first NFC player to rush for more than 100 yards in a Super Bowl. The Idiot had only half of that with no defensive players to stop him.

The post-game exodus began. Somehow the Idiot stumbled into Buck – one of the three other fools that came in their bash machine motor home. It was a long walk to bashville. Conveniently someone left a small – maybe 15-foot – garbage truck unattended and available to any passing inebriates. Being the nice guys they usually were, they proceeded to give rides to unknowns to their cars, maybe as many as five at a time in the back bucket. When they reached the motorhome parking lot, they had the brilliant idea to ask fellow bashers if they wanted to dispose of their garbage. Again the Idiots proved they were really very nice guys! After the garbage was tossed in the bucket the Idiots pulled ahead about 50 feet, and they decided they didn’t like the wafting fumes, so they pulled the lever and dumped everything over the parking lot and proceeded to the next bashers. This was done at least four or five times until they arrived at their own bash machine with Crash Kelly and Ty patiently waiting. Being the nice guys they were, for the third time, they let them take the truck for a spin to deposit it in a different area so there was no evidence. It was game to remember. The Idiots performed at their usual expected high — or was it low? — level.